


Watching Over Me

by DeanRiordain



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Character Death, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Memories, Post-Loss, Rebirth, Sad Castiel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-30
Updated: 2016-09-30
Packaged: 2018-08-18 15:41:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,184
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8167223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeanRiordain/pseuds/DeanRiordain
Summary: The colors of fall are beautiful...but, for Castiel, it just holds memory that everything has its season, and its time, including humans...including his loved one. It's been a year; but Castiel still isn't over it...because once you've found your something, you can't let it go for anything.________________________________Sad and fluffy about Dean's death.This time of year always gets me.





	

“I love you.”

It started out differently than it would have, then, with a ‘Hello, Dean.’ They’d moved beyond hello forever ago, it seemed...and, well, goodbye never felt quite right. Even if it was. Even if it was goodbye for now.

Sam had the Impala, and the bunker. Sam had the pictures of the cute little blonde boy with freckles that had too much hope in his eyes. He’d asked Castiel what he wanted and Cas had told him to keep it all. There was no memory, no one object that could serve as any kind of replacement to Dean. They’d learned that quickly.

The bad Western movies were just bad Western movies without Dean there, without Sam arguing that it was awful, and Dean insisting that it was a classic. And, well, with Dean, classics were best. Burgers tasted like molecules, and heavy, dead air...and there was no Dean to pass his uneaten meal to. Remembering Dean like that hurt worse. Even the songs, wails of guitars on his old cassette tapes eventually turned to ballads of star-crossed love.

Going to the places they’d been, laying in the bed they slept in, and revisiting memories time and time again didn’t soothe the aching weight that anchored in Castiel’s heart. Nothing could. Not until he could get back to him, and heaven wasn’t ready to let that happen. The gates were closed.

So here was the best he got. Dean had loved the fall...to watch the leaves cascade to the ground in brilliant hues of crimsons and orange...to watch the changes of the season, to watch another year pass. Another year passing was a good sign for a hunter...but, it was last fall when his luck had ceased.

“Everything’s dying, Dean…” Castiel’s voice cracked, “It’s not beautiful. It’s not the way it’s supposed to be...everything’s dying, Dean.”

_ You’re dying, Dean. _

It was almost a shock, knocking the breath out of him. He caught his hand on the chain of the swing to brace himself from falling.

The park where once was an entrance to heaven was barren now, almost like it had been completely forgotten, save for the broken man in a trenchcoat, carefully teetering on the swing, talking to himself. This seemed right. Like, it was close. As close as he could get.

One year. It had been one year, and the aching pain hadn’t stopped...but he kept going, even when he didn’t want to, because one day, he’d find a way back.

Castiel swung back and forth in silence for moments that seemed to stretch eternities- he’d seen civilizations built and brought down faster than the heavy darkness weighing on his mind, “You should know that I never left you, Dean, that’s important. I was watching the TV with Sam, and it was talking about past lives. That’s interesting, don’t you think? My father never let me know the inner workings; but, I’d like to believe that humans could be reborn, and get to try again. Just like that movie that we saw... _ What Dreams May Come _ . We were doomed from the start, here, you and I...your recklessness, my carelessness. But...maybe it could have been different.

Do you think, in some other world, Dean, we may have had a chance? Maybe we would have met in school. I would have known so much more about humans...we could have been friends, and fallen in love. Do you think you would have loved me then like you did here?

Maybe we would have met at work. Can you imagine not being a hunter? What would you have been then, Dean? A mechanic? Maybe my car broke down and I took you to dinner as a thank you, like in one of those chick flicks you hate so much. Or maybe, if you hadn’t been a hunter...Oh, Dean, there’s so much to think about...so many ways we could have met. Why is it that this one...this reality of you and I, had to have been so complex?” 

The trees rustled, and leaves blew across the playground, “You know I wouldn’t have changed it. Our time together. Really, it was you, Dean. My world was my own perdition, of order- of monochrome. You showed me color...first the browns, and greens of you...then red. That was love,” the angel chuckled. “You raised me from my own hell, Dean. I don’t think I ever thanked you for that. There’s so much to thank you for.

When my father plucked you out of the stars in the sky, every angel in heaven knew your name. You were for Michael. You were the chosen...the righteous man who would save the world. You deserved so much more than what you were given, Dean. I wish I could have understood, then...how much you meant, how much you still mean... I love you,” Castiel tried again, “I’ll always love you, Dean. I’ll always be…” his hand tightened around something in the pocket of his trenchcoat, “I’ll always be grateful...I’ll always be glad for this time we had together in this colorful, messy, broken world. But, is it really so selfish to want more? Sam respected your decision. He didn’t come after you... didn’t try again after the last time. But I can’t do that, Dean. We’re bonded, you and I. By more than just…” He shook his head, pulling his hand out of his pocket, and losing his train of thought, remembering something else. Wrapped around his hand was a cord, attached to an amulet that Dean had once thrown away.

“Sam isn’t ready, yet...it still hurts too much for him. But he wanted me to give you this. Humans are such beautiful, sentimental creatures, Dean...but I guess you knew that.” Castiel thumbed at a silver band on his left hand. 

“I think I truly do believe that the universe has conspired many more resplendent adventures for the two of us, so I’m not giving this back to you. I’ll carry it, and everything it means with me, until we find each other again...and we will, Dean, find each other again. I can’t give up on that. Even if you don’t forgive me. I’ll find you, my loved one, my Dean. I will always find you.”

Castiel skidded the swing to a stop, “From the moment I saw you, Dean, I was watching over you, protecting you...even when I couldn’t understand why...it always had to be me...because in the end, it was always us. I feel like I’ve failed you, not only as an angel...a fallen angel…” he corrected, “But as your husband, my loved one. But, I know that if you were here, you’d take my hand,” tears were free falling down the angel’s cheeks, “And tell me I was wrong. That I never failed you. So I’ll have to keep trying to believe that. Because it’s what you would have wanted. I guess everything comes back full-circle, Dean. Maybe now, you’re the one watching over me.”


End file.
